Little Steps to…Being Your Own Best Friend
By Jules Allan
Imagine if you spoke to your closest friend in the same way that you speak to yourself on a challenging day. Would your friend feel comforted, supported and encouraged? Or, would he/she shrink under the weight of criticism, judgment, and unrealistic expectations?
As a counsellor and coach, I see this struggle all of the time. I work with clients who are kind, patient, and understanding with others, but they often hold themselves to impossible standards. When they fall short of their own expectations (as all of us humans do), their inner dialogue can become harsh, self-critical, and unforgiving. The idea of treating themselves with the same kindness that they use with others feels odd, unusual and, at times, selfish.
On a personal level, I also understand how difficult it can be to provide this self-support. For many years, I held myself to higher standards than I would ever expect from others. I would push through exhaustion, dismiss my own struggles, and tell myself that I just needed to "do better" or "do more." The concept of self-compassion felt indulgent, and the word “selfish” came to mind whenever I contemplated it. It wasn’t until I started exploring this topic more deeply through my healing journey, therapy and mindfulness practices, that I was able to realise that self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence; it’s essential for well-being.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, defines this practice as being comprised of three key elements:
Self-kindness – Speaking to yourself with warmth and understanding, rather than harsh criticism.
Common humanity – Recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience.
Mindfulness – Observing your emotions without judgment, rather than over-identifying with them.
Neff sums up this process beautifully when she states,
"Having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, [and] losses will occur. [Y]ou will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, [and] fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition [and] a reality shared by all of us.”For me, the shift came when I reflected and realised that I would have never spoken to a friend in the same way that I was speaking to myself. Similarly, if a client had come to me and shared that he/she was feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, I would never tell him/her that he/she was failing and needed to do more. I would show empathy, kindness and compassion, and I would remind him/her that he/she was doing his/her best. I slowly started to apply that same grace to my interactions with myself, and it has changed everything…from the way that I see myself, to my choices and my life.
Why Does Self-Compassion Matter?
Research shows that people who practice self-compassion experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. They are also more resilient in the face of challenges because they treat themselves as they would treat a struggling friend, with encouragement and kindness.
Many of my clients fear that being self-compassionate means that they will become complacent. But studies prove the opposite: self-compassionate people are found to be more motivated to improve. Fueled by their own self-encouragement, they believe they are worthy of growth.
How Can You Be a Good Friend to Yourself?
If you're new to self-compassion, here are some little steps and ideas, which you might consider incorporating into your daily life:
Notice Your Inner Dialogue: Pay attention to how you speak to yourself –especially in difficult moments. Would you say those words to a friend?
Use Self-Compassionate Language: Reframe the statements that you might use when talking to yourself, and make your language more self-compassionate. For example…
*replace “I’m such a failure” with “I’m learning and growing,” or
*change “I always mess up” to “Everyone makes mistakes—it’s part of being human.”
Try Giving Yourself the Same Advice that You'd Give a Friend: When you're struggling, try pausing and asking yourself, “What would I say to my best friend if he/she was in this situation?”
Place a Hand on Your Heart: Physical touch can be calming. When you're feeling overwhelmed, place a gentle hand over your heart, or give yourself a soothing hug. These small acts signal safety to your nervous system.
Create a Self-Compassion Ritual: Whether it’s reciting a morning affirmation, completing a gratitude journal, or pausing for a simple moment of stillness so that you can tell yourself, “I am enough as I am,” it is important to make sure that self-compassion is a part of your regular routine.
Self-Compassion Journal Prompts: Consider reflecting on or journaling about the following prompts, which are related to self-compassion:
A Gentle Reminder:
If self-compassion feels challenging at first, that’s natural and perfectly okay. I found the practice to be difficult, and many of my clients find it to be unfamiliar, as well. Although they may have been conditioned by family, school and society to be kind to others, they may not have learned that they should also extend this kindness to themselves. Many of them have spent years believing that they must be hard on themselves in order to be “better.” But real growth doesn’t come from self-punishment or from shaming ourselves –it comes from self-acceptance.
Learning to treat myself with kindness has been an ongoing journey. There have been moments where self-compassion has felt unnatural and hard, and I've tried to push it away. However, the more that I practiced being kind to myself, the more that I realised how much lighter life felt. The more that I embraced my own imperfections, the more that I felt truly free.
You deserve the same kindness and understanding that you give to others. You are worthy of your own love. And the more that you practice being a good friend to yourself, the more that you will find that life feels softer, lighter, and full of possibilities.
"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do." ~Brené Brown
About Jules:
Jules Allan is an integrated counsellor and somatic and recovery coach, as well as a yoga teacher, writer, workshop facilitator and the founder of The Recovering Space.
julescreatingwellbeing@instagram